==Phrack Inc.==

                    Volume Two, Issue 13, Phile #10 of 10

                PWN PWN PWN PWN PWN PWN PWN PWN PWN PWN PWN PWN
                PWN                                         PWN
                PWN      *>=-{ Phrack World News }-=<*      PWN
                PWN            ~~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~            PWN
                PWN               Issue XIII                PWN
                PWN                                         PWN
                PWN      Created, Written, and Edited       PWN
                PWN           by Knight Lightning           PWN
                PWN                                         PWN
                PWN PWN PWN PWN PWN PWN PWN PWN PWN PWN PWN PWN

Happy April Fool's Day and welcome to Issue Thirteen of Phrack World News.  In
the spirit of April Fool's Day, this is the "rag" issue of PWN.  And now we
take a look back and enjoy the most hilarious posts of the past year.  These
posts were selected only because they were there and no one should take offense
at the material.  Please note that not all posts are rags, which only goes to
prove that you don't have to rag to be funny.

     [Some posts have been reformatted and edited for this presentation].

                        [Special thanks to Solid State]
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Name: The Executioner #47
Date: 2:33 pm  Fri Sep 12, 1986

Slave Driver > Do explain that message... I do NOT kiss anyone's ass except my
own because I am such an awesome studly dude.  Something you would know nothing
about, being studly that is.

Master Vax, you are an utter bore who has nothing contributing to say.  You are
so useless.  When people say "Sexy-Exy", they say "Ragger Elite, good knowledge
and not too bad of a cosysop."  When people say Circuit Breaker, they say
"who?????" . Face it, you are basically non-existent in the modem world. You
command nothing and you hang out with the lowest echelon like Dr. Doom who sat
there for about 10 minutes taking my abuse, making lame comments thinking he
was cool.

Anyway, this is a phreak/hack sub, not some rag board where I am allowed to
bug the hel out of you. And when it comes right down to it, I don't brag about
my knowledge, because "Those who proclaim their knowledge, proclaim their
ignorance".

                               -The Sexyest Executioner


Name: Dr. Doom #106
Date: 6:04 pm  Fri Sep 12, 1986

Executioner...
  Well, it seems that a little more than a week ago, it was 'Dr. Doom, we (PLP)
feel that you would be a valuable addition to our group and therefore are
extending an invitation to join the Phone Line Phantoms.' and then I told you
quite simply that I wasn't interested in joining PLR (Phone Line Raggers). NOW,
you are calling me voice just to rag on me and posting 'Dr. Doom the loser...'.
So, the other week you were kissing ass 'Dr. Doom join PLP....' , etc... and
now quite suddenly I have become a loser because I didn't join PLR.

Guy, I could in a few minutes come up with LOADS of stuph to say about you, but
since you carry no weight and are on some kind of an ego-trip I will let you go
off to Central Park and play Ninja with Broadway.

Dr. Doom


Name: Knight Lightning #2
Date: 12:49 am  Sat Sep 13, 1986

This is getdhng good, its been a while since we saw a really heated battle on
here and you know why?  Because those who start heated battles on this board
get deleted so either post good info or use the email or you won't be using
the system for anything any longer.   In other words lets drop the bullshit
messages (like this one) use use this sub for what it was intended.

:Knight Lightning


Name: The Executioner #47
Date: 9:45 am  Sat Sep 13, 1986

By the way, Dr. Doom, we thought you had some knowledge (at least TEL did).
When I read all 31+ files you wrote, which happened to come straight out of
manuals, I was not impressed. I am not ragging on you because you didn't join,
I am pointing out a harsh reality that you should face.

You are a peon compared to the monolithic stature of one such as I.
You are an amoeba compared to the complex genius person I am.
You are a pimple compared to the sexyness and looks such as I.
You are a clinging form of pig feces.

You throw absolutely NO weight around. No one cares about you or your bbs.
having absolutely no reputation, you proceed to write 31 files because you cry
at home fearing that no one likes you. And, I have composed a neat little tune
about you to the Beverly Hillbillies (Your ancestors)

          Now listen to a story about a boy named Doom,
          Poor Modem geek who would never leave his room.
          Then one day he was talking on the phone,
          When up in his pants came a miniature bone.
          Penis that is, kind of like a toothpick.
          Well the next thing you know old Doom has a board,
          Running on a commie cuz it's all he can afford.
          So now doom sits at home as happy as can be,
          thinking he's cool he turns down PLP.
          So now he thinks he happnin he thinks he's rad,
          With his high pitched voice, god this boy is sad.
          And this is the story about a dork named Doom,
          Poor modem geek who DOESN'T want to leave his room.
          Why?
          Because your UGLY! D-O-O-M! (<-that was to Mickey Mouse)

                             The End.

                           The Executioner/PhoneLine Phantoms!
Name: Carrier Culprit #11
Date: 10:17 am  Sat Sep 13, 1986

Heh. That was pretty cool.  Doom you have no talent what so ever, I could pick
up a manual and start typing away.  When data demon and I were talking to you
via 3 way you couldn't even answer some basic CCIS stuff.  And Lover was the
only person who wanted you in the group, I hope he wasn't impressed by your
files (volume I, II, III, IV, V, etc.. heh).  And if you think that all PLP
does is rag, well you must not know what's up in the world.  And make up your
mind, you keep changing your group's name and bragging about turning down an
offer to be in PLP.  Well, Doom my boy you told me your were going to drop
Metro Communications to join PLP until you saw Exy's rag on your so called
Commie 5 messages per sub board.  Shit your board was up longer than Link, and
Link blows it away.  Well, I really should stop this ragging because it's
pretty uncool, then again Doom is uncool.  Anyway your group is gay in the
face!

--Culprit
MCI Communications
Sprint COM
950 Communications
I dunno Communications
Metro MEN!


Name: Dr. Doom #106
Date: 10:04 pm  Sat Sep 13, 1986

Well, as some of you might have seen lately, certain people do not relish the
fact that I thought very little of them so they are attempting to slander my
good name by saying that I know nothing and that every file I have ever written
was copied from manuals.  First of all, most files I have written do contain
some information that was origionally printed on some Bell or AT&T document,
because they relate to such things as ISDN, but by NO means are they copied
from manuals in any way.

Mikie, that was a rather amusing song, but in no way did anything in it come
close to possibly reflecting me.  I mean it is nice that you want to tell
everybody about your life and all, but you really should not try to
self-project your tragedies on someone else.  If you need help trying to come
up with some auto-biographical titles about yourself, you should try :

     'The Life and Times of a PLP Loser Named Mikie Chow Ding Dong Dung.'

Oh, did you call me UGLY?  that is quite far from the truth.  Look at you,
someone who as a child could use dental floss as a blindfold.  calling me UGLY?
Humor me more Mr. 'UGLY' Chinaman who writes files on 'Beauty Techniques'.
Face it, some people are just born naturally handsome and don't need make up to
disquise their grotesque features like you do.

Since you think you are SO tough, you are cordially invited to come down here
to Texas where talk is cheap and doesn't mean shit.  (Don't forget to bring
your throwing star collection....'

Dr. Doom


Name: The Executioner #47
Date: 10:18 am  Sun Sep 14, 1986

Doom, Spare me your lame tongue flapping and breath exhultation that only makes
you look like the fuckoid you are.  People have met me, people know that what I
say is all backed up and all true.  Who has met you? No one has met you so you
can fling all the bullshit you want.  When I say I am gorgeous, the people who
have met me can always say, "I've met you and you are a dork".  But do they?
No, because I am not a dork unlike yourself.

I don't know where you get the idea that I am some karate dude, because I am
not, and don't even care to be.  Unless you are stereotyping all of us
orientals like that, showing that you are in an ignorant chunk of muleflesh.
And I could stereotype you, the polish, born of blue collar trash collectors.
I am sure you go bowling and have bowling trophies mounted in glass cases in
your cardboard house.  How is that dirt floor?  How is the bearskin door?  I
know you are of low social stature and therefore do not know or even comprehend
the social elegance that I am born and bred in.  So you can just take you and
your $20000 income that your family makes and just save it for someone who is
at your level.

Is it true that the welfare lines are long?
How was the goverment cheese giveaway?

                                   The Sexyest Executioner


Name: >UNKNOWN<
Date: <-> INACTIVE <->

As someone else already said: Please spare the rest of us users the pain of
having to hit the space bar whenever the author of the message is 'Dr. Doom'
or 'The Executioner', or whatever.  Geez...

If all goes well, there'll be a K-K00L Ragging Subboard, and you people can
just go there and tell the other person how k-radical you are, what a stud,
how good looking, and what an asshole, loozer, rodent the other person is.  I
think most of the other users, along with myself, are getting quite sick of
all of this...After all: This *IS* the Phrack/Gossip board, right?  Yeah...

[%] The Yakuza [%]


Name: >UNKNOWN<
Date: <-> INACTIVE <->

What the HELL does your looks have to do with this, Exy?  It doesn't matter how
'great' looking you are, because the board wasn't put up so you could tell us
how much of a ladies man you are.  If you want to brag, put up your own board.
And since your messages are directed to one person, USE THE FUCKING EMAIL
COMMAND! thats what its there for.

Some people..




Name: The Executioner #47
Date: 10:31 am  Sun Sep 14, 1986

Ass kissing?  Please, spare me the vomit of your mouth huh bud?  Taran says
something about ISDN and since I knew something about what he said, I decided
to expand it into an explanation which is definately not ass kissing.  I don't
kiss anyone's ass because I dont have to.  Taran does not delete me out of
mutual respect I have for him and I should think he has for me.  Notice I don't
use low-level words like "fuck" and "shit" and all the other terms that people
with IQ's of a marble statue have.  So Dr. Doom is a good friend of yours huh?
Probably your ONLY friend because both of you look like the Elephant Man....
"I'm Noooooooot an ANIMAL!!!", don't worry Doc, Paper bags are still in.

As for files, I have written my share, and really could care less whether or
not you can read or not.  As for the PhoneLine Phantoms, we are not just a
telecom group, we are comprised of the 4 best looking, studliest people.  When
I heard about Doom, I said, well, I dunno, we will have to reduce our image of
4 studs into 4 studs and 1 dud.  As for playing with my male organ, you must
know more than I, considering you know all these nifty little sayings you must
have thought up when you were raping that coke bottle.  As for calling Doom, I
call when I get a deep feeling of pity abnd decide to enlighten the poor
impoverished boy.

So, why don't you, Doom, Master Vax (Circuit Breaker) go and slither back into
your holes where you can fester and leave the REAL stuff to me and Culprit.

And if you really wanna take this issue far, I propose a challenge.  I will
send my picture to an unbiased third party and you do the same.  Then we will
see who is the REAL Sexy-Exy.  Oh yeah, it's Mikey, not Mikie, and Exy, not
Exie, and I prefer a "Mr. Executioner, sir" before you speak to me. I will just
call you little peon...

                             -The Executioner
                           PhemalesLuv Phantoms!

PS: People who belong to something cool can post it, those who can't, don't.

Name: Taran King #1
Date: 11:00 am  Sun Sep 14, 1986

PLP vs. Everyone has to stop, guys...at least on the phreak board.  This is
for telecommunications only.  If you really want, I can create a rag subboard
so you can bitch all you want, but it's getting a bit tedious out here.  Exy,
I know you have quite a bit of knowledge hidden somewhere in your mind, I've
seen your philes, and they're decent.  Dr. Doom, I know you pretty well, and I
thought the two philes I read were quite decent as well.

How about a bit of unity in the crumbling phreak world that we know today, huh?
It's already in shambles and people are getting totally bored of it, or are
being busted.  Most of us on here have been around for at very least 6 months
so that says something about us...I know Exy wouldn't mind a rag board, because
he excells in it, but I'll leave the final decision to the users.  Go V:ote
now, please, and stop posting rags...MORE INFO!!!

-TK
GETTING PISSED!


Name: Dr. Doom #106
Date: 5:48 pm  Sun Sep 14, 1986

Well, I am going to change the discussion because I am quite (yawn...) tired
of  this useless ragging.  (By the way I drive a sports car, live in an
affluent neighborhood, and am not Polish but of English decent).  OK, like I
was saying I am going to try to put a little life back into the Phreak World
with a new Electronic Journal.  The Dr. Doom Journal of Telecommunications as
I call it will center around topics and techniques that have not been readily
discussed.  Although I will be doing a lot of writing (because I like to), I am
looking for anyone else that might be interested in helping out.  One of the
Departments will be like a mini-catalog of places where you can order all
sorts of cool stuph from that has to do with Telecom, etc...  If you are
interested or even have some places to order things from, send me mail.

Later...
Dr. Doom


Name: Doc Holiday #19
Date: 11:59 pm  Sat Sep 13, 1986

Well, since I have been away, I have noticed a few changes, but some things
will never change I guess.  Executioner is the same fag he's always been.  Big
deal, he has expanded his ragging capabilities all the way to Texas with
Dr. Doom, who happens to be a good friend of mine.  I have one question for
you Mike, do you do anything else besides vegetate in front of your monitor
and write songs about people?  You seemed to have a very good knowledge of the
content of the "Hillbillies" song.  I guess that shows your level of intellect.

I really dislike ragging so this is probably the only post that will deal with
it.  If you have something to say to me, call me, if you can get my number I
will be more than happy to toy around with you.  You are shit.  That is what I
get out of all of this.  You rag on Dr. Doom's files but, have you ever written
a file with useful information in it?  I seriously doubt it.  Some of Doom's
files are so-so because I already know a lot of it, but many of his articles
are actually quite informative.  Have you even read any of them?

Also, why is it that you call him quite often every day?  Have you ever left
your house or anything besides to ride the little school bus to get to school?
That is very doubtful also.  Taran, why don't you just get rid of this nusance?
Is he some sort of threat to you?  Anyway, Exie, about your brown-nosing, I see
all of these rag posts of yours, then Taran posts something on ISDN and then
you immediately post something on the topic, afterwhich you go back to ragging.
If that isn't ass-kissing then explain to me what is.

What about PLP, why do you even bother to exist?  I am speaking mainly to
Carrier Culprit and The Executioner.   I remember being on three-way with CC
and someone else whom I won't name, and listening to him say things about me.
I have never even talked to the person before.  Then when I got on the line and
talked with him, he didn't know anything.  I would ask about general telecom
topics and he would say "I'm sorry, I don't know much about the phone network,
I hack mostly", then I would ask something about hacking and he
co-oincidentally couldn't remember his way around those systems very well
because they weren't that important.  Did someone mention DEC?  They are a
really nice company.  I am involved with them quite often.  I even use a DEC
terminal to call places instead of a computer.  The Executioner probably thinks
a DEC is something you play with every night before you go }to bed, because of
his personal experiences.  He is a DEC (w)hacker, but anyways, I think I have
made my point.

  Doc Holiday

PS:  Notice no fancy shit under name...sorry, but I don't take ego trips during
     the off season.

Name: The Executioner
Date: 2:57 pm  Tue Sep 23, 1986

                  ^                                        ^
                / + \                                    / + \
               /*TBC*\                                  /*TBC*\
               |=====|__________________________________|=====|
               |     |                                  |     |
               ||||||| The Executioner & Egyptian Lover |||||||
               |-----| -------------------------------- |-----|
               | Rag | |     The Breakfast Club       | | Rag |
               |Files| -------------------------------- |Files|
               ################################################
               %                                              %
               %          Presenting: Rag Volume Four         %
               %          ----------------------------        %
               %%%%%%%%%%%| /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\ |%%%%%%%%%
               |        Arthur Dent: Third World Iranian      |
               %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%


                     There's this kid called Arthur Dent,
                     He's got no money, not one red cent.
                    Cool and Slick is what he wants to be,
                      He even wants to be a part of LOD!
                      His mother country, he calls Iran,
                    He cleans camel stalls like no one can.
                 All he wants, is to hang around with phreaks,
                 But there's a law against third world geeks.
              It says: "Get out of my country, get outta my land,
             Go back to your people who make houses out of sand."
                      Pack your bags and be on your way,
                    We don't want you 'cuz you're all gay.
                   You think you're cool 'cuz you can hack,
                 I hate to tell you this, but bud you're wack.
                   I saw your picture and boy are you lame,
                 From under a rock is where I think you came.
                 You cry "Hey Phucked agent, please teach me!"
                    You annoy the poor man, don't you see?
                     You try to impress everyone in sight,
                     One look at you and we run in fright.
                   Ain't it funny how your temper does fume,
                     When I say I'm in the Legion of Doom.
                   With a cardiac arrest, you get all hyper,
               In case you piss in your pants, here's a diaper.
                 Now, don't get mad from this little ol' rag,
                   Just cover your face with a grocery bag.
                   With a towel on your head you do declare,
                   "Allah gimme a real life and real hair."
                      Well, my iranian friend, I am done,
                   I hope you don't mind me having some fun.
         =============================================================
The above is a rag I wrote a while back, I got alot of good feedback from it so
I'd thought I'd have an encore presentation.

The Executioner


Name: The Executioner
Date: 4:53 pm  Sun Oct 12, 1986

Anyway, as to Quest, that little nuisance thinks he has a real bbs and he
thinks just because I let him talk to me for 5 minutes he's my best friend.
Frankly, I'd axe him just because he shows no sign of any capable action short
of maybe masturbating his dog into a bowl of frozen tofu.

Ciao

Sexy


Name: Arthur Dent
Date: 11:06 pm  Mon Oct 13, 1986

You mean PINK tofu, I think.  Read read the last message if you haven't the
slightest

dent


Name: Knight Lightning
Date: 10:46 pm  Sun Nov 23, 1986

PLP Three-Way Con:

Rich:  Hey Mike the board is going great!
Mike:  Thats good, any new users today?
Rich:  A few, I haven't validated them yet...
Eric:  Ho hum...
Mike:  Lets call some now and check them out.
Rich:  Ok, hold on...
Eric:  No Rich wait wait...
Rich:  I'm going to click over to three way.
Eric:  NO! Wait wait Rich hold on.
Rich:  I'm Going toCLICK on my three way hold on!
Mike:  Whats your problem Eric?
Eric:  Wait Rich, will you just wait a minute!
Rich:  Ok!?  What!?
Eric:  Rich, (pause)  You're gey!
Mike:  Eric, you are the Wack!
Eric:  Shut up Mike!
Mike:  What?  Hello, hello did you say something?  Hello hello?
Eric:  Dag!

:Knight Lightning


From: SHERLOCK HOLMES
Date: MON FEB 16  9:04:17 PM

On a recent visit to The Iron Curtain, (I think that was the one).. well it was
my first time on and they were talking about stuph like newsletters and things
like that.. one post said something like this:

"Okay... I know you guys have heard of TAP and 2600, well there is a new
phreak/hack newsletter.  It's called Phrack [Please note that by this time
Phrack X was already well underway and being distributed] try and get a file in
it.  Phrack is all these files.  It looks really good.  I would try to get a
file in there to impress your friends."

Sherlock


From: DOOM PROPHET
Date: MON FEB 16  9:56:08 PM

I think common sense should be used by the authors and editors of newsletters
that get around, that is, not to overplay or exaggerate anything concerning
someone's feats, or knowingly print invalid information while keeping the real
information for themselves.  Of course, if the whole newsletter writing
population (of which I am a part) started churning out idiotic files about
idiotic things, then maybe the security people and rich business pigs would
dismiss us as dumb kids.

Example:
!@#$%^&*()_+!@#$%^&*()_!@#$%^&*()!@#$%^&*()!@#$%^&*()!@#$%^&*()!@#$%^&*()+_!$#!



                       HOW TO DISCONNECT SOMEONE'S LINE

                                By KODE KID 100

0k d00dz, just g0 t0 the f0ne line where it cumes out of the house and pull on
it as hard as you can.  Then, the loze has his line disconnected until AT&T
Repair service soldiers come to fix it.

L8r111

K0DE KID 1OO
-The Marauders

PS:  Call Digit/\|_  ITS *ELITE*,tonz of k0dez 4 *REAL* hackers!

!$#@!!$^%$#&^%*^&(*^(&)(*___++((*_)&+(%^$%^#%$%$@%#$#%^#^%&#$^%&&%?<<?$&@#$%!@!


78/81: A New Mod..
From: THE LINEMAN
Date: MON MAR 09  2:05:25 AM

I have an idea for a mod that will save the users a hell of a lot of time.
Howabout put an IF THEN statement when you are saving the message so that if
the name is "ORYAN QUEST" then it won't save then we won't get rodenty G-File
posts anymore.  Sound good?

ciao
The Lineman


77/77: TMC...
From: MARK TABAS
Date: SAT MAR 14 12:05:38 AM

I heard that if you crank a TMC code through the DES algorithm, and then
through the Cristensen CRC-16 algorithm, followed by complementing its
packed binary value and then encrypt it to "kl.LLL.hyuuuu" using the German
enigma, you'll get a COSMOS dialup!

Does anyone know if this works??????

tabas
_______________________________________________________________________________

Well thats it, but before we go, here is a quick look at the vote section of
Metal Shop Private:

Question #3:  Should Oryan Quest be let back on?
Users voting:   8.7%

0:No Comment
1:No.                       :  3  50.0%
2:No.                       :  1  16.7%
3:No.                       :  0   0.0%
4:No.                       :  1  16.7%
5:No.                       :  0   0.0%
6:No.                       :  0   0.0%
7:No.                       :  0   0.0%
8:No.                       :  0   0.0%
9:No.                       :  1  16.7%

Your vote: No Comment
Change it? Yes

Which number (0-9) ? 1

Current Standings:  Should Oryan Quest be let back on?
Users voting:  10.1%

1:No.                       :  4  57.1%
2:No.                       :  1  14.3%
3:No.                       :  0   0.0%
4:No.                       :  1  14.3%
5:No.                       :  0   0.0%
6:No.                       :  0   0.0%
7:No.                       :  0   0.0%
8:No.                       :  0   0.0%
9:No.                       :  1  14.3%


                Majority of Posts Taken From Metal Shop Private
                Some Posts Taken From The Lost City Of Atlantis
_______________________________________________________________________________