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Current issue : #13 | Release date : 1987-04-01 | Editor : Taran King
Phrack XIII IndexTaran King
Real Phreaker's Guide Vol. 2Knight Lightning
How to Fuck Up the World - A ParodyThomas Covenant
How to Build a Paisley BoxThomas Covenant & Double Helix
Phreaks In VerseSir Francis Drake
R.A.G. - Rodents Are GayEvil Jay
Are You A Phone Geek?Doom Prophet
Computerists Underground News Tabloid - CUNTCrimson Death
RAGS - The Best of Sexy ExySexy Exy
Phrack World News XIIIKnight Lightning
Title : RAGS - The Best of Sexy Exy
Author : Sexy Exy
                               ==Phrack Inc.==

                     Volume Two, Issue 13, Phile #9 of 10

[+] Rag [+] Rag [+] Rag [+] Rag [+] Rag [+] Rag [+] Rag [+]
 ||                                                     ||
 ||             ______The Executioner______             ||
 || PHRACK XIII|                           |PHRACK XIII ||
 || ------------ Thanks:  Knight Lightning ------------ ||
 || |PHRACK INC|          The Phreakazoid! |PHRACK INC| ||
 || --------------------------------------------------- ||
 || |                                                 | ||
 || | Phreak Klass |The Best of Sexy-Exy| Phreak Klass| ||
 || | 806-799-0016 |--------------------| 806-799-0016| ||
 || |   EDUCATE    |(c) 1987 Sexy-Exy TM|   EDUCATE   | ||
 || |              |                    |             | ||
 || |              |  Released April 1  |             | ||
 || |                                                 | ||
 || --------------------------------------------------- ||

     Welcome to "The Best of Sexy-Exy", a conglomoration of
rags/insults that have been gathered over the past year or
so. All rags are original and are the creation of my genius
mind. I think that this installment is appropriate for the
13th issue of PHRACK.

     NO rags are to be taken seriously, they are merely for

     There have been events beyond my control during the
process of writing this file, they are enclosed in "**".
Thank you.

     "Doc Holiday: The man, The myth, The Loze"
Doc Holiday is a man of many diverse talents. I think it's
my place to let the whole world know just how much of a
mental giant he is.

First, let's discuss how he manages to engineer the toughest
of AT&T's network men. Here is a typical conversation
between Doc and AT&T. I will interject my comments in
between the brackets [ and ]. Doc will be represented by a
AT&T: Hello, AT&T directory assistance, may I help you?
      [Boy, this guy is a REAL powerhouse to engineer,
       think MAYBE Doc will be able to get anything from
DH: Hi, this is Pee Wee Herman from Illiois Bell, DA waste
    removal. I am having a problem connecting an inter-
    office call, do you think you could give me the number
    to the SCC in area code 201?
    [Gee, he picked a REAL important reason to call didn't
AT&T: Well, sir, I don't think I can do that, I can give
      you the number for the business office, maybe they can
      help you. (AT&T thinks: bahehahhe, stupid kid).
NJ BELL: Hello, New Jersey Bell, all operaters are busy now,
         please hold, and your call will taken in turn.
DH: Ho hum...[unzips his pants]
NJ BELL: [Elevator music]
DH: ahhhhh...[Doc, why is your left hand having spasms?]
NJ BELL: Hello, New Jersey Bell, this is Susan.
DH: Uh, yeah, hold on a sec...[wiping away the fluid from
DH: Uh yeah, this is Dick Little, from Illinois Bell, I was
    wondering if you could give me your 201 CN/A?
    [Uh, Doc, hate to break this to you, but 201 has
     no CN/A.]
NJ BELL: Uh yeah, hold on...
         [NJ BELL: Must be one of those trainees, they have
          to get because of affirmative action.]
NJ BELL: I'm sorry, I can't give you that number.
DH: Well, here in this small town, it's kinda hard to get
    around, so could you please give me someone I can refer
[At this time, Doc's dog wanders into his room, and
 begins to bark and snarl and generally acts like
 Doc's mom.]
DH: Uh, y'know, this town is SO small, you can hear the dog
    barking across the street. [Wow, fast thinker]
DH: I'm not used to this small town, I'm used to a big city.
NJ BELL: Oh, what town are you in?
DH: Uh, it's this little town outside Illinois.
    [Hmm, he's supposed to be from Illinois Bell but he is
     not in Illinois? WHAT AN ENGINEER!!!]
NJ BELL: Oh, is that so. [NJ BELL: Damn kid should at least
                          know his geography.]
NJ BELL: What big city did you live in before?
DH: Oh, I used to live in New York City.
    [Sure, Doc, you got your MASSIVE southern drawl in the
     boro of Brooklyn...]
DH: I mean, uh, I only lived there for 3 months.
    [Give up Doc, you screwed up big time, you're gonna
     get pounded.]
[FLASH: Doc's mom gets on the phone.]
DH: Yeah, uh, well, my seceratary, has just reminded me that
    I have to pick up my kid for his music lesson.
NJ BELL: <chuckle> Sure, <growing giggle> I guess I will
         talk to you later <crescending into hysterical
         laughter, falling off his chair in a spasmodic
         echo of immense laughter>.
Boy, Doc, I gotta hand it to you, in that conversation, you
sure showed him your intellegence. It's ok, that you don't
know where you are, and it's ok that your mom interrupted
you twice, barking both times into the phone. But, hey,
I am not done celebrating you yet, here's more of "The Story
Of Your Life!"...
** The date is now March 14, Doc Holiday has just been put
out of action by Oryan QUEST, shutting off both of Doc's
lines. **
** The date is March 30, I have just heard that Doc has been
busted for COSMOS hacking. **
TOK, Tribunal of Knowledge, is a group to be admired,
they're conglomoration of massive intellegence and
normality have all of the phreak/hack world stunned.
Prophet's education at Devry Tech, you know the school where
you get a free box of tools when you enter, is a definate
school for those who have superior mental ability. And then
there's Solid State, or by name, Nate. By the way, do you
know what the name Nate means? Let's look in the Websters
Collegiate Doctionary...
NATE \NAT\ n : skin that stretches from the base of the
               scrotum to the opening of the anal cavity.
Boy, Nate, your parents must have loved you...
And I haven't forgotten you, High Evolutionary, you massive
stud you. HE, is on the school football team. [Actually, he
plays text-graphics football on his commodore and thinks he
plays football, but we'll let him have his fantasy.]
Here is my tribute to T0K!1!
TOK! Second Chapter: Nothing this bad ever dies.
We're TOK and we're proud to say,
Even Buckwheat says that we're O'Tay!
We're gonna make LOD jealous of us,
With our computers we get from Toys R Us!
We'll take the hack world by attack,
With our 100+ files we put in Phrack.
Our reformed group numbers only to three,
We'll be famous like Larry, Moe and Cur-ly!
Hey TK do a prophile on us, we want some press,
We'll tell ya about our hobbies like playing Phone chess!
Ask us about our ability and we'll gladly exposulate,
About the great acomplishments of Solid State!
And Prophet too, boy is he a Joe Hacker,
He talks to Bill Landreth, aka The Cracker.
He spits out logins and passwords all the time,
Getting busted by feds is his favorite past time.
Then there's High Evolutionary, the leader of the pack,
Who does his hacking in a neighbor's tool shack.
He likes to hack Unix's, VMS and The Source,
He likes to play football, on his computer of course.
We're elite, we're the best there will ever be,
We're just jealous that we're not in cDc.
** The date is now March 21, I have just learned that Evil
Jay and Ctrl-C have been added to the list of TOK
Dr. Doom Rag, the extended dance version to the tune of
"Beverly Hillbillies".
Now, listen to a story about a boy named Doom,
Poor modem geek who would never leave his room.
Then one day he was talking on the phone,
When up in his pants came a miniature bone.
Penis, that is, kinda like a toothpick.
Well the next thing you know ol' Doom puts up a board
He runs it on a Commie 'cause it's all he can afford.
He makes his board private and he thinks he is a phreak,
<Idea Block...sorry>
     I have seen alot of files written lately and needless
to say, alot of them need a lot of work. Sooo in my infinite
charitableness, I ha ve decided to write a file on how to
write a file. I will list EVERY IMPORTANT aspect of writing
a file and all the inside secrets on how it will make you
look a like a real cool dude (Let's face it, we write files
to promote ourselves.).
     The first and most important thing to writing a file is
your border. It has to be flashy and must include the name
of your k-kool group which you are part of even though no
one in the group helped you but you will still put their
name down to promot e yourselves. Of course, the title must
be set in it's
own section of the border.
\===/                                          \===/
 [+] Metro!        =->Dr. Doom<-=        Metro! [+]
 $$$ ------           --------           ------ $$$
 %^% (^name of group) (name must be             %^%
 (0)                   emphasized)              (0)
 *#*                                            *#*
 RAD     Present:                               RAD
 |+|(always use 'present')                      |+|
 :::                                            :::
 @!@     File #30 > ISDN!!!!!!!!!!!             @!@
 %!%                                            %!%
 %!% (ALWAYS say how many OTHER worthless files %!%
 %%%  you have written so it makes you look     %%%
 |||  productive)                               |||
     That is an example of a good border, notice all
the neat ASCII graphics and how he uses space to put
his group in the file too.
     The content of your file is important also.
Here is a list of rules you should follow.
     1. ALWAYS be confusing, it makes you look li ke you
        know what you are talking about, even if you don't.
     2. ALWAYS use as many acronyms as you can, it will make
        your reader look up to you because you know that
        AACTU stands for Acronyms Are Cool To Use.
     3. ALW AYS be condescending to your reader as if he/she
        should know what the hell you are talking about even
        if you are just rambling to fill space.
     4. ALWAYS give 10-15 examples that really don't show
        what you are talking about, but will make the reader
        think that whatever you are writing on, somehow has
        some use when it doesn't.
     5. ALWAYS put in diagrams and pictures, the ASCII will
        confuse them so much that you can say just about
        anything that will describe the diagram.
     6. ALWAYS list things vertically, it makes you look
        professional. (And it takes up space too)
     7. ALWAYS thank 10 famous people even if they didn't
        help you on the file because it will make it seem
        as if you know them REAL well.
     8. ALWAYS interject your own opinions because it makes
        you look scholarly and that you are a master of the
        facts you are perpetrating.
     9. ALWAYS make at least 5 spelling mistakes, because it
        makes it seem as if you did it in a hurry because
        you have a social life, even when you don't and
        spent days on it correcting spelling and grammar.
    10. ALWAYS type stuff like jkwhebfiue in parts you don't
        fully understand and then blame it on the xmission.
        This releases you from knowing everything in the
    11. ALWAYS dedicate your file to a girlfriend, it makes
        you look like you have one and that you are a stud,
        even if you look like Slave Driver.

Sexy-Exy presents...

A Humor Filled Article

                     A Marvelous Laugh For The 80's
                        A Nice Bedtime Story
                     A Stephen King Look-a-Like
                          A Joke for You!
            "When a Phreak/Hacker says...He really means,,,"

Just a note, all names mentioned are fictitous, and are
creations of the author. Any resemblences or factual
similiarity are completely coincidental.
When a Phone Phreak or Hacker says something, there is
usually an undertone or subliminal message, in this nice
file, I will list some of the more common ones you will run
1. When Slave Driver says
     'I am on the football team!'
   He really means...
     'I wash the uniforms for the guys.
2. When Carrier Culprit says...
     'I look like Don Johnson!'
   He really means...
     He watches too much 'Miami Vice'.
3. When Knight Lightning says...
     'Hi this is KL, I wanna ask you something...'
   He really means...
     'Hi, this is KL, let me open up my Database.'
4. When Phantom Phreaker says...
     'I go trashing for all my information.'
   He really means...
     'I am going to shop for Christmas dinner.'
5. When Dr. Doom says...
     'I got locked out of my house.'
   He really means...
     'The Dept. of Sanitation put the lid back on the sewer'
5. When Forest Ranger says...
     'I am tenderizing meat.'
   He really means...
     'I am popping my zits.'
6. When Line Breaker says...
   He really means...
     'I am lying to cover my stupidity.'
7. When Silver Spy says...
     'I am God at the VAX/VMS.
   He really means...
     'I work with a VAX, so I am not that impressive.'
8. When Evil Jay says...
     'I am into Heavy Metal.'
   He really means...
     'I have no friends and bang my head in frustration.'
9. When The Rocker says...
     'I love to party.'
   He really means...
     He watches Animal House and thinks he can party.
10. When Mark Tabas says...
     'I have an athletic family.'
    He really means...
     'Me and my little girlfriend are running
         away from EVERYBODY.
11. When Captain Hooke (Howie) says...
     'Hey man, I am gonna fuck up your dad's credit card on
    He really means...
     'I spend too much time talking to Line Breaker.'
12. When Captain Hooke (Howie) says...
     'I have a major social life.'
    He really means...
     'I call up the conference bridges and spend all of
      my time talking to losers.'
13. When Dr. Who says...
     'I have done alot for the Phreak/Hack world.'
    He really means...
     'I try everything first to see if it's safe.'
14. When Forest Ranger says...
     'Telecomputist will be an original magazine full of
      new information.
    He really means...
     'Telecomputist is written on toilet paper with
      the same quality and originality of articles'
16. When Attila the Hun says...
     'I love to Slam Dance!'
    He really means...
     'When he's in a ballroom he steps on EVERYONE'S feet.'
17. When Ax Murderer says...
     'Yo, I just wrote the most complete file on UNIX with
     He really means...
     'I rewrote a Unix manual and copied the illustrations
18. When Taran King says...
     'Yo, MSP is down due to Hard disk problems.'
    He really means...
     'I spilled dinner over the computer chatting with KL.'
19. When Sinister Fog says...
     'I used to run the best bbs in the country.'
    He really means...
     'We tried to find the non-existant alogarithm for SPC.'
20. When Oryan Quest says...
     'I am gonna bill $20000 to you Taran!'
    He really means...
     'PLEASE let me back on Metal Shop!'
21. When The Executioner says...
     'Yes, Taran I will have your file in time for Phrack.'
    He really means...
     'I fucked up again and I'll have to get Bill to help me
22.  When Bill From RNOC says...
      'Hey, what's up?'
     He really means...
      'I'm here to leach all your new stuff, pull your tolls
        and stab you in the back.'
ORYAN QUEST - A point by point historical recreation of this
              controversial excuse for recycled shit from
              the sewer of Mexico.
     "Juan!!!", screamed the mexican lady, "get over here,
mucho expresso!"
     "Coming my little tortilla!!", panted the tired Mexican peasant.
     "What is it my little bag of cabbage leaves?", inquired
the Hispanic mongrel.
     "Juan, Juan, Juan, I tink I am stricken with baby!"
exclaimed his wife.
     "OH NO! my babaloo!, not another little child," cried
Juan, "We cannot afford to have another child."
     "My wages picking coffee beans and stripping cabbage
barely feed our other 12 children, how am I going to support
THIS bastard billy-goat?", asked Juan.
      Well, the day finally came, and the poverty stricken
couple made their way to the village hospital, by way of
mule, a mercedes to the couple.
     "Oooooooooh....", cried the lady in pain, as the baby
pushed it's way forward.
     "Ohhh what a beautiful child", exclaimed Juan.
     "Uh senor, that's the pre-natal discharge, your baby is
next.", corrected the doctor.
     The baby's body began to appear(feet first, of course),
it's WIDE vertical smile, greeting the world.
     "Oh my,",said Juan,"he looks just like his papa!"
     "I must give him a proper name.", continued Juan.
     "I name you..
     Senor Pepe Guadaloop Tom Flanagan Paco Oryan QUESTO!"

     [Pretend there is alot of applause]

     Well, Paco, I mean QUEST, learned the trade of his
father and his father's father.  Toiling and slaving away, he
dreamed of one day going to America, north of the border,
and leading a life of a re-fried bean.
     One lazy sunny day, Paco and his father were doing
their daily fishing, trying to make a living for themselves
and feed their family,with out eating stray dogs. Questo was
casting off with his new hardwood fishing pole that his
father made for him that very morning. Juan was picking his
nose and batting an eye at his son, marveling his skill at
throwing the line.
     Suddenly Paco's line went taut with a quick jerk and
Paco's limp 100 lb body flew into the water with a splash.
     "Oh no, my little chili bean fart, what should I do.
Juan pulled Quest out of the water. Well, he thought "At
least he's clean now, I don't think he'll be thirsty for at
least another week.

[Sorry to end this story so abruptly, but Oryan Quest is
not worth more than 5K, come to think of it he's not worth a
byte. I figgured since he tried SOOOO hard to write a rag
file about me (See Phrack 12) that I ought to show exactly
what the word, "rag" means.
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